Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.