A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.