a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.