a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”