a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?