a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.