a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30