a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now