A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
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our love story in four pictures
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.