Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer

Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

time for some seasonal decor

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

[Therapist’s Waiting Room]

ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you

WIFE: yup

ME: I knew it!

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.