A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.