Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How software testing works

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

If only

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid

Xylophonist Shredding It

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.