A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)