Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

They’re called werewolves.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

I found your tweet-up…

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa