Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

How it started: How it’s going:

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

But wait…

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.