Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.