A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
when revenge coincides with naptime
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo