A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Oh deer
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
