A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
The Punning Dead.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Meth is short for Elizameth.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped