A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.