A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
My work here is don’t.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again