A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
How does someone manage that 🤨
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.