A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.