Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.

For those that worship cheese..

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.