A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…