A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed