@DCpierson

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

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@ElleOhHell

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

@ADHDeanASL

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

@DaddyJew

Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?

Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor

*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*

@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

@VancityReynolds

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

@Spaziotwat

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

@Contwixt

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

@jazmasta

*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair*
“Is that ok for you sir?”
“Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I’ll take it”