“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Judge: do you have a lawyer or will you be representing yourself?
Me: *adjusts tie* neither your honor
*a sock puppet slowly emerges from my briefcase*
Super Mario Logic
CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.
CNN exec: meh
Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!
*CNN exec absolutely loses it*
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
*hairstylist holds mirror behind my head after styling my hair*
“Is that ok for you sir?”
“Yes that is a beautiful mirror. I’ll take it”