A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway