Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!