A warm tortilla will open up your pores nicely. Don’t ask me how I know this.
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
How did we not see this back then?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Netflix: We have Less
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool