Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.