A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
You Might Also Like
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Winnipeg!!
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?