A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
#NeverForget
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.