A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I have never related to anyone more.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.