Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me