A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.