Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

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The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’