A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner