A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
