Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
*slips into milk bath* *starts drinking*
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow