A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Yup
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs