@_SingleBabyMama

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

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@hasht4g

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

@bwfrance

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

@iGreenGod

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

@Marlebean

“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”

-I say to the person I don’t remember.

@KelgoreTrout

the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like “what should i call this thing that spatulas?”

@Michael1979

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

@charliedelta7

I don’t have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow