Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

Women are from Venus, men are wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]