A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
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You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks