A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?