Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.

No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”