Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

Arrest that man!

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.