Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”