A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
WWE is French for “yes”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.