Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

*with the intention of bragging

I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.