A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
learning about math 🧐 📝
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
WTF IS THAT!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!