A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”