A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.