A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
see next tweet for some translations
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me