Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together

Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.