A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
You Might Also Like
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Don’t tell me what to do
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?