A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”


I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.


Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.


Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.


*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!


[religion conference]
BUDDHA: What’s your opener?
JESUS: “God loves you.” You?
BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too


Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle


Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*