A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
👽
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.