A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
