A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
