Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

something like this could probably happen to anyone

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

Just the best dancing sandwiches.