Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

[speed dating]

HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.

ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.