a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
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ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys