Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

dutch is not a serious language

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

My dad is at it again

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.