a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
bro what is going on at twitter
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit