a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
You Might Also Like
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Oops
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Sharon I have some bad news
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
When someone says you are so lazy