A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
You Might Also Like
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
😂💯
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.