A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums