A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
You Might Also Like
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.