a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me