a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
From Facebook just now…
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
how much for the angry fruit?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar