a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Ha
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?