Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented