A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
crying
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I think my mom just blocked me
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.