A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*