A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Ironic
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?