A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.