Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

😂

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.