A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
No, he would not have.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
got so much cardio in today
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?