A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway